Looking for my father

So I’ve been on a wild goose chase around the whole of England only to land flat on my face. Hoping wishing and secretly praying that today was going to be my day. The day I get to hear a voice at the end of a phone. The day I have been longing and wishing for. But instead the only sound I hear is my heart beating fast with disappointment and frustration. That can only mean one thing I’ve been tricked.

My mind has allowed myself to be taken away somewhere humiliatingly painful. At least this time I’ve only bruises my knee and not busted my face open. Tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity.


Looking for my father is like looking for a needle in a hay stack. Why don’t I have a name … Only god himself is going to have to bring him to me.


God I am trusting you and leaving my burdens at your feet.

New Beginnings

I’m ready to pick up my pen again and this time I’m coming at my paper from a completely different prospective.

I have entered a new chapter in my life and it’s hard to find the words to express what been going on. Let just say God is my new counsellor and first time in my life I can look back at my past without experience the pain torment and Shame that has kept my lips and pen from moving.

Mum

Mum 11/7/2019

It appears we have some talking to do. I am sorry if my words have offended you or hurt you in any way that was not my intention.

For as long as I can remember writing was my main outlet and the only place I felt truly free to be myself.

I’ve found it helpful to write about the event and the situations and circumstances I have experienced. It helped me live and move pass the areas I have struggled with. Somethings I don’t tell anyone only myself and my words.

When I write I generally put my heart and soul on the page and I haven’t considered my audience in telling my story. I have written various segments of my childhood and adult life at a different period in my life.

Most of the time I can’t re-read what I have written about because of it too painful and I refuse to go back there. I want to forget about all the things I can’t smile about but somehow my mind has a plan of its own.

I never intended to share it with anyone. They were my private journals my inner deepest truths. The truths that I avoid most of the time because I find them painful and I’m unwilling to deal with them. Writing to me has been a form of medicine someway if letting go of the stuff I don’t want to hold on too.

I’m sorry if my words caused you pain, I didn’t consider anyone other then needs to overcome some of my thoughts in the only way I knew how. Writing is more than an expression, it’s more than a voice. It literally one of the things that saved my adult life.

I’ve had my fear share of ups and down and writing has been my safe space, where I am free to just breath cry laugh be angry and release what Evers on my mind.

I generally don’t read what I write. I don’t edit it, I don’t change I just let it be.

I have thousands of words written in different places mostly hidden from the public eye. I made some of my journals public this year as means helping others and I guess myself.

I didn’t expect my family to read it. If I’m honest it never even crossed my mind.

I thought my blog was a tiny dot in the big ocean. Little did I realise I open my private box and now we are here.

I don’t know how to feel about what I have done. Opening my personal library of my life up like that is something I have to deal with. Either way, it’s done now.

I’ve always felt compelled to write a book about my life but I’ve never had the courage to begin.

I don’t even know what to say to you.

First, I love and have always loved you. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.

There have been times when I have hated you but even then I still loved you.

I don’t harbour any Bad feelings towards you because I had to let them go to move forward with my life.

There have been times in my life when I have had lots of questions for you but I buried them many years ago.

When I had my children my focus shifted and my priorities changed quickly. I’m an adult now and my goal is to be the best wife mother women and person I can be.

I forgive you and I want you to move on with your life and be happy. Life is to short to dwell on the past. You have to accept it and move on.

We all make mistakes, no one is perfect. I put my head up and say I have made hundreds of error in my adult life. I take full responsibility for my action and strive to do better.

I would like you to be a part of my life, my children’s and husband. BUT only if you allow us to raise our children the way we see fit.

We as a married couple don’t want to be undermined. I don’t want Jayden given mixed messages and taught he doesn’t have to listen to us.

If you want to be part of our life you are going to have to respect our opinions and parenting choices.

We are not going to agree on lots of things and that’s fine. We can agree to disagree but when it comes to parenting our children you are going to have to learn to step back and respect our position as their parents.

Your daughter

Happy 3rd Birthday Jenellehhh

Three already it feels like just yesterday I dilveryed you right I the middle of our frontroom floor as planned. Your were my perfect home birth baby and now your a little toddler.

I pray for you way before you were formed in my womb. I asked god to send me a little girl and he did.

You are my little princess full of light and character. You boss your brother already as if your older then him.

I love the way Jayden’ looks out for you. His overly protective and makes sure you are happy.

You were the calm and patient as a baby. Not in a rush to do anything a silent observer. When I use to change your nappy you would hold your legs up and patient wait for me to finish. When you got to two years you decided you could change your own nappy, so I had no choice but to let you potty train at 2.

And that really sum up our relationship me watching you supporting you and cheering you on whenever I can. I do let you have your own independence as much as possible while trying to make sure you have manners and respect.

In a group of babies and toddler you always watch and observer and wait for the right moment before you try something new.

You like figuring thing out especially when it involves your hands. You enjoy sitting in your buggy trying to work out how to open and close the seat belt. Your curiosity led me to leave the buggy up for you to enjoy the puzzle. Sometimes you would spend 30-60 minutes clipping the buckle. You never did manage to open it but clipping it was you speciality.

By 1.5 you moved on to clothes and buttons, zips and poppers. You were fascinated with clothes before you could walk. You often would find the Landry clothes and careful put on everyone items. Dad’s pants are your skirts his sock as a glove.

I remember sometime when your dad was getting ready for work you would sit by his draw trying everything on and telling him that your going to get him dress.

The little 2 year old insisting she is able to do up her dad’s belt. That’s what I love about your daddy he always has time for you no matter how late he is he understands how important those little thing to you are.

You have been say ‘I do it ‘ for the last year now.

You will insist on carrying the shopping

Changing your sister nappy

Putting on and taking off your clothes

Doing shoe laces

And much more.

We do love your “I do it” attitude it is certainly teaching me to be more patient.

You love cooking chopping mushroom, cracking eggs.

That’s you showing of your handy work.

When I say you smile your so adorable I could literally eat you. You have the sweetest little sole and your very loving I can’t imagine one day your going to be a women or a young girl.

For now your my big little baby and I love every once of you and who you have become.

You challenge my opinion of children and how their characters and personalities are shaped.

Without trying to sound bias you are the sweetest nicest toddler I known and I love you. Watching you brings me so much joy I could saver the moment I would be a millionaire.

Even when you scream out of frustration- I still find you funny. I bite my lip so you don’t see me smiling when I tell you not to scream.

Your already a little madam a girly girl. You like your hand bags and clothes. And you always comment on how pretty something is.

When I organised your hair assessories

you were so excited you tried everything on twice.

My little princess … you even try to give me fashion tips.

I think your going to be into arts and craft as you seem to like that stuff. You paint nearly every day and one of your first talents I notice about you was your ability to hold a pencil correctly at a little age.

I thought pencil grip was a taught skill but from 10 month you found a pencil and held it instinctively with the correct grip and started writing/ scribbling.

That was a major surprise for me. I would never even have given a baby a pencil but you found one and made the most of it.

Ever since I discovered your talent for “mark making” Ive been leaving pen and pencil lying around for you to do your thing. I’m not sure what it will develop into but I want you to explore and use all your gift and talents.

Some people don’t get it, and that fine. But I know you and if holding a pen make you happy then you can have any pen you want. You don’t write on wall or poke anyone you just want to make marks. So many different adults have approached me telling me your to young for pencils or pen and warning me of the dangers but I don’t let stop me.

At one stage I attached one to the buggy and you were so happy to sit and make marks.

If I’m honest I have no idea what to do with this passion yet, I’ve been learning to paint and do calligraphy for myself. I don’t watch push you in any direction just give as many opportunity to do what you love.

I’m never going to tell you to colour in the lines … I want you have the freedom to find your own path.

I am excited to watch your talents and gifts blossom. I can’t wait to shower you with all the supplies you need to make your master pieces. For now you have a easel and arts and craft supplies and I’ve let go off my reluctance to paint. I’m actually enjoying painting with you.

You had about 6 month worth of gymnastics now and you have shown us you are able to follow instruction well. You enjoy it but sometime you are very shy and that prevent you from getting involved. I do it with you sometimes and you love it. Your naturally bendy and you love practicing.

I thought gymnastics was your sport until I took you to ballet. I’ve never seen you so happy… you are so excited you persona changes instantly. My naturally reserved observer who stands closer to the back of every line is first in line.

It really makes me smile to see this side of you. You stand so close to the teacher no one else can get a look in. It might as well be your private one-to-one lesson after all you stick to the teacher like glue. After every song you run back to me to give me a massive hug and kiss and your glowing with joy and excitement. Sometime you even let out a little scream. Before I can say anything you running back to join the next song.

I love these moments and it makes every bit of the struggle to get you and your sister to Romford at 10am worth ever once of the rush.

Dancing allows you to shine. From September your starting to learn tap.. I have a feeling your going to love those clicking shoes already.

Your father and I don’t understand ballet we just don’t get it but I guess we will have to learn together for you. Anything that makes you happy is worth our attention.

You love singing and playing music instruments. I’ve recently taken my old keyboard out again and your convinced it your. I see you singing and hitting keys and I’m convicted to ensure you have the skills and knowledge to play. Another skill and opportunity for all of us as a family. I want you to have many skills and talents growing up and I want equip you for adulthood.

Your father can play piano by ear and I’m convinced I can /want to too. Music is in your blood and I hope you continue to enjoy it.

Maybe that’s why you enjoy learning phonic. I started teaching you and a few of your friends Phonics in Barking Park cafe and you are my star pupil. You make every minute of my hard work worth it. Your a joy to teach and you soak up information like a sponge.

I think your a genius, I think we all once are given the right keys to unlock our potential.

I’m grateful I get to start a new chapter in my life.

One day I will have space and time to process this chapter but for now I will happily step over the water and focus on the journey ahead.

Workout

It’s 5:33am and I up trying to silence the voice in my head telling me not to go to the gym today. I never feel like going to the gym, I enjoy walking out when I finish.

But getting there is a battle.

I can think of million and one things I can do right now. None of them require exercise.

So today I’m reminding myself I am going to workout regardless

of how I feel

What the weather looks like

Or what happening around me.

There really is no reason not to workout ….

Angry black girl.

A couple of days ago I watched a video of a group of yr7 girls intimating and attacking two girls from another school.

”article and video on daily mail bully-grabs-school girl-hair-punches-kicks”

One girl had her hair pulled until she was dropped to her knees. Then her attacker started kicking and punching whilst dragging her.

Young beautiful little black girls. One acting like a top dog ready to rip anyone apart for no apparent reason. Her victim had no idea of the type of rage and violence that was standing in front of her.

As I watched the clip my heart sunk. I instantly felt unsettled, angry, saddened and ashamed. The video upset every part of my being and I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I did something about it.

Well, turns out I wasn’t the only person who felt that way. Someone very loosely connected to me had already posted it on Facebook and both parents had responded. The school, the parents and the police had already been notified. The daily mail had written its article and the school is asking us not to share the video.

The victim has been receiving lots of support and encouraging messages. While the aggressor has been receiving death threats at the age of 12.

My heart went out to the victim and her parents.

But I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the aggressor. I knew only too well that those violent acts do not come from no where. No one wakes up one day and suddenly starts being a violent volatile 12 year old.

I’m assuming she has been through or witnessed her own set of violence from a young age. Her surroundings and her upbringing may have told her that violence is a way.

She may see the world as a threatening place for that reason attacks it before it attacks her. The only problem with that is that most cases there may not be threat as the video shows. She may be willing to attack because that is her comfort zone, being around violence makes it a familiar ground for her.

She is also a victim in my opinion. She is 12yrs old, she is a child and her innocence has not been allowed to flourish.

When you surround children with violence – they become violent in many cases. Whether they are expose to a father who beats their mother or a parent who unleashes their angry and frustration on them with violence.

This situation usually has life changing effects on a person’s life.

When you look at the world from the eyes of a scared child, it is easy to see how that child takes those same scared eyes to school and around with her on the streets. The only problem with that is that when you are scared your natural responses is “fight or flight” are you going to run, and freeze or are you going to fight and protect yourself.

It doesn’t matter that there was no real threat and that person you think is attacking has no intention of hurting you. In your mind you have been here before and you are going to protect yourself the only way you know how … with your fist and your spider tongue after all, you are a tough girl right.

Your home environment plays an important role in determining who you are and how you react.

We teach our children how to deal with situations by how they see us deal with them. We are their reference point.

Most behaviour has been seen and learned from somewhere. All children are sponges, they are hungry and thirsty for a referfence point in how to deal with life.

Hurt people can easily hurt other people and happy people can sometimes make others happy.

These hurting children are all around us, they are in our schools, workplaces, prisons and they one day going become parents, then the cycle continues.

Please understand, these children are still children. They are like a piece of fruit battered and bruised on the outside but the core is still sweet. That Apple is still going to be sweet at its core even though it has been rolled around in the mud a few times.

Unless someone is willing to slowly peel back the previous damage with love, care, attention and time those apples can grow up with a range of problems. Drugs, alcohol abuse, violent, rage and a hot temper are only a few.

How do I know so much about it, it’s because?…

I’ve spent my entire adult life battling myself to find my sweet core.

Let the wind blow straight pass me

God continue to carry me and guide me through life.  Help me find the inner peace I know you provide.  I feel the storm brewing and I’m not willing to let it take me.  

Where do I go from here.  ??? 

I’m going to keep moving forward with my life regardless. I have so much to give and to much to do to be able to sit in stale water.

My faith

My children

My Husband

and

Pursuing my destiny is my focus.

I need to stay grounded in the present and the future.