Mum

Mum 11/7/2019

It appears we have some talking to do. I am sorry if my words have offended you or hurt you in any way that was not my intention.

For as long as I can remember writing was my main outlet and the only place I felt truly free to be myself.

I’ve found it helpful to write about the event and the situations and circumstances I have experienced. It helped me live and move pass the areas I have struggled with. Somethings I don’t tell anyone only myself and my words.

When I write I generally put my heart and soul on the page and I haven’t considered my audience in telling my story. I have written various segments of my childhood and adult life at a different period in my life.

Most of the time I can’t re-read what I have written about because of it too painful and I refuse to go back there. I want to forget about all the things I can’t smile about but somehow my mind has a plan of its own.

I never intended to share it with anyone. They were my private journals my inner deepest truths. The truths that I avoid most of the time because I find them painful and I’m unwilling to deal with them. Writing to me has been a form of medicine someway if letting go of the stuff I don’t want to hold on too.

I’m sorry if my words caused you pain, I didn’t consider anyone other then needs to overcome some of my thoughts in the only way I knew how. Writing is more than an expression, it’s more than a voice. It literally one of the things that saved my adult life.

I’ve had my fear share of ups and down and writing has been my safe space, where I am free to just breath cry laugh be angry and release what Evers on my mind.

I generally don’t read what I write. I don’t edit it, I don’t change I just let it be.

I have thousands of words written in different places mostly hidden from the public eye. I made some of my journals public this year as means helping others and I guess myself.

I didn’t expect my family to read it. If I’m honest it never even crossed my mind.

I thought my blog was a tiny dot in the big ocean. Little did I realise I open my private box and now we are here.

I don’t know how to feel about what I have done. Opening my personal library of my life up like that is something I have to deal with. Either way, it’s done now.

I’ve always felt compelled to write a book about my life but I’ve never had the courage to begin.

I don’t even know what to say to you.

First, I love and have always loved you. I don’t think I ever stopped loving you.

There have been times when I have hated you but even then I still loved you.

I don’t harbour any Bad feelings towards you because I had to let them go to move forward with my life.

There have been times in my life when I have had lots of questions for you but I buried them many years ago.

When I had my children my focus shifted and my priorities changed quickly. I’m an adult now and my goal is to be the best wife mother women and person I can be.

I forgive you and I want you to move on with your life and be happy. Life is to short to dwell on the past. You have to accept it and move on.

We all make mistakes, no one is perfect. I put my head up and say I have made hundreds of error in my adult life. I take full responsibility for my action and strive to do better.

I would like you to be a part of my life, my children’s and husband. BUT only if you allow us to raise our children the way we see fit.

We as a married couple don’t want to be undermined. I don’t want Jayden given mixed messages and taught he doesn’t have to listen to us.

If you want to be part of our life you are going to have to respect our opinions and parenting choices.

We are not going to agree on lots of things and that’s fine. We can agree to disagree but when it comes to parenting our children you are going to have to learn to step back and respect our position as their parents.

Your daughter

Yesterday I did something I don’t normally do. I took a moment out of my busy life to serve someone else.

I invited a single parent with her four children around (last minute.com) no prep no planning.

Something must be changing for me because I can’t normally deal with that many young children in one go in a small space. But I was able to see pass what I wanted to see what I needed to do.

I think I have been given a new understanding of “perfect peace” and how I must share that gift with others.

My mind is running quicker then my hand today.

It’s sad when you realise the person sitting next to you is suffering struggling in life and I have been so tied up in my own struggles I didn’t even notice.

I literally sit next to this women every week and we speak but I feel like I have no idea what’s behind the mask.

I see people every day make up nice clothes, looking like they are well put together and you just don’t know what behind the mask. You really have to give your time and love to find someone core.

That’s the thing about children they are able to speak their mind without filtering there thoughts.

Anyone would have thought the children went to Buckingham palace. Not our humble 2 bedroom house.

I guess my family and I have take for granted what we have and sometimes need appreciate what we have.

One child said I wished I lived here, less then 5 mins after entering.

I’m grateful I get to start a new chapter in my life.

One day I will have space and time to process this chapter but for now I will happily step over the water and focus on the journey ahead.

Workout

It’s 5:33am and I up trying to silence the voice in my head telling me not to go to the gym today. I never feel like going to the gym, I enjoy walking out when I finish.

But getting there is a battle.

I can think of million and one things I can do right now. None of them require exercise.

So today I’m reminding myself I am going to workout regardless

of how I feel

What the weather looks like

Or what happening around me.

There really is no reason not to workout ….

Angry black girl.

A couple of days ago I watched a video of a group of yr7 girls intimating and attacking two girls from another school.

”article and video on daily mail bully-grabs-school girl-hair-punches-kicks”

One girl had her hair pulled until she was dropped to her knees. Then her attacker started kicking and punching whilst dragging her.

Young beautiful little black girls. One acting like a top dog ready to rip anyone apart for no apparent reason. Her victim had no idea of the type of rage and violence that was standing in front of her.

As I watched the clip my heart sunk. I instantly felt unsettled, angry, saddened and ashamed. The video upset every part of my being and I wouldn’t be able to sleep until I did something about it.

Well, turns out I wasn’t the only person who felt that way. Someone very loosely connected to me had already posted it on Facebook and both parents had responded. The school, the parents and the police had already been notified. The daily mail had written its article and the school is asking us not to share the video.

The victim has been receiving lots of support and encouraging messages. While the aggressor has been receiving death threats at the age of 12.

My heart went out to the victim and her parents.

But I couldn’t help but feel sorry for the aggressor. I knew only too well that those violent acts do not come from no where. No one wakes up one day and suddenly starts being a violent volatile 12 year old.

I’m assuming she has been through or witnessed her own set of violence from a young age. Her surroundings and her upbringing may have told her that violence is a way.

She may see the world as a threatening place for that reason attacks it before it attacks her. The only problem with that is that most cases there may not be threat as the video shows. She may be willing to attack because that is her comfort zone, being around violence makes it a familiar ground for her.

She is also a victim in my opinion. She is 12yrs old, she is a child and her innocence has not been allowed to flourish.

When you surround children with violence – they become violent in many cases. Whether they are expose to a father who beats their mother or a parent who unleashes their angry and frustration on them with violence.

This situation usually has life changing effects on a person’s life.

When you look at the world from the eyes of a scared child, it is easy to see how that child takes those same scared eyes to school and around with her on the streets. The only problem with that is that when you are scared your natural responses is “fight or flight” are you going to run, and freeze or are you going to fight and protect yourself.

It doesn’t matter that there was no real threat and that person you think is attacking has no intention of hurting you. In your mind you have been here before and you are going to protect yourself the only way you know how … with your fist and your spider tongue after all, you are a tough girl right.

Your home environment plays an important role in determining who you are and how you react.

We teach our children how to deal with situations by how they see us deal with them. We are their reference point.

Most behaviour has been seen and learned from somewhere. All children are sponges, they are hungry and thirsty for a referfence point in how to deal with life.

Hurt people can easily hurt other people and happy people can sometimes make others happy.

These hurting children are all around us, they are in our schools, workplaces, prisons and they one day going become parents, then the cycle continues.

Please understand, these children are still children. They are like a piece of fruit battered and bruised on the outside but the core is still sweet. That Apple is still going to be sweet at its core even though it has been rolled around in the mud a few times.

Unless someone is willing to slowly peel back the previous damage with love, care, attention and time those apples can grow up with a range of problems. Drugs, alcohol abuse, violent, rage and a hot temper are only a few.

How do I know so much about it, it’s because?…

I’ve spent my entire adult life battling myself to find my sweet core.

Let the wind blow straight pass me

God continue to carry me and guide me through life.  Help me find the inner peace I know you provide.  I feel the storm brewing and I’m not willing to let it take me.  

Where do I go from here.  ??? 

I’m going to keep moving forward with my life regardless. I have so much to give and to much to do to be able to sit in stale water.

My faith

My children

My Husband

and

Pursuing my destiny is my focus.

I need to stay grounded in the present and the future.