My Childhood

My life story

I was born at North Middlesex hospital in Enfield in 1983.I lived with my mother and older sister.I met my father once when he came to our flat and my mum introduced me to my father.  I remember where we were standing in the corridor of our apartment and being so happy that this guy had just agreed to buy the dolly with the magic hair.  I was so excited I never did see the dolly or him ever again.I remember my sister use to try and run away a lot, she was 5 years old and she couldn’t reach the lock on the door so she would put a chair by the door and try and get out. I remember my mother trying to teach me my alphabet and hitting me on my hand with a ruler every time I got it wrong which was often.  I never did learn my alphabet and eventually she became so frustrated she gave up.  She always reminded me how stupid I was compared to my sister at my age who had been so clever.My mum had a partner  who had a son .  I remember we went to Butlins together on holiday.  I remember moving house very quickly and lots of rushing around.  We left our two bedrooms flat and went to a bed and breakfast.  Just before we left we were crossing the road at a pelican crossing when my mother told me and my sister that her ex-partner was going to knock us down saying the car went out of control.  I remember smiling at my sister who gave me an evil angry look. Unable to understand what ‘knock you down’ meant.  My mother explained how he would hit us with his car and he would say the car went out of control.  Suddenly I became fearful crossing roads and I would always stand behind the yellow and white box because it was just big enough to cover me.I started school behind my peers and no matter how hard I tried I struggled with everything except Maths. We moved around a lot I went to four different primary schools.  I remember never really fitting in and always feeling like a loner.  I would fight the kids in the playgroup and I had no respect for authority.  I was allowed to get in trouble at school I remember my mother would openly encourage me to push the boundaries.I remember one day walking to school and seeing a boy a few meters in front of us (me+sister+mother) the child got run over by a motorbike.  My mother took us right up close to his body and my foot touched his leg there was a lot of shouting a noise a women walked up to mother and told something and my mother shouted at her and told her leave us alone.  
We eventually moved into a Mans one bed room flat with me and my sister sleeping in the living room.  This man was my mothers long term boyfriend and later became my brothers father.  I would call him Dad and he liked me in a fatherly way.  I was obident respectful and I would always follow instructions.  However he would hate my older sister because she wasn’t like me.  Being mixed race she didn’t fit into our family.  He would take us out often introducing me as his daughter and disregarding my sister.He use to beat me and my sister with a thick gym belt on our hands.  My sister always use to get way more punishment then me.  He use to beat my mother too and be angry with her for going to church.  He use to smoke cannabis and he enjoyed having three females to boss around and clean the house.
My mother got anger and angrier at us and the usual slap across the face became a punch a kick or a hit with whatever she could get her hands on.  
Whatever one of us got in trouble for we would both get punished for.  When she was angry she would not  stop hitting us until we would stop crying.  Crying and winning made her more angry, and trying to stop her or moving around made her furious.  Me and my sister were the complete opposite she would scream beg and plead and run and hide cry which made matters worse.  I was quite a still and would except any form of punishment.The routines was get beaten then we would have to have a bath together to reduce the swelling.  I hated sitting in the bath in silence staring at my sister back swallow red and bleeding as she shaking uncontrollable and I sat still.  A few times I felt remorseful as I would blame stuff on her to save my own skin.We would never talk to each other and the few times she looked at me it was pure hate in her eyes.On a few occiacciaons she would be knocked out cold on he floor and I would pray please god let her wake up.  But a big part of me didn’t want her to wake up just so she could be still and stop making matters worse for herself.Once she swore at an auntie and my mother broke the wooden table leg in one snap and beat her badly with it.  Because she refuse to stay still my mother asked my auntie to hold her down so she could get her.  The table leg had a nail in the end of it and it pieaced through her finger and made horrible marks all over her body.   Luckily my mother knew first aid and could always patch her up.I only remember my sister going to hospital once with a broken arm.My sister use to steal from primary school and one day things got really bad I think the school called the police because she stole a few teacher purses and bank cards.  My mum removed her from school.My sister was sent to Jamaica for three year to learn how to behave and when she came back they cut her long hair like a boy. We moved houses another few time and I don’t think mum partner came with us. Two more children came both boys and they were princes in my mothers eyes.  I loved them dearly and promised one day I would run away and take both of them with me.  I enjoyed feeding them and looking after them.  They were my human toys. Our house in Edmonton, I suffered a lot of physical pain in that house.  I remember getting hit in the face a swallowing  my tooth because I was laughing at bed time.  Me and my sister were left alone in that house alot and we would fight like cat and dog.  She would always boss me around and do silly things.  She always use to hit me with a broom stick and I would fight her back.  My sister hated the fact that no matter what she did to me she couldn’t see my pain or tires.  After a while I would flip and that’s when I knew I could kill her.  I would lose all control.  I often heard her telling people I wasn’t human and she wanted to beat me up. Once she stabbed me with a pencil and the lead got stuck in my leg I calmly tried to pull it out as she looked at me in shock horror.I remember we feel down the stairs together and she landed on top of me I dislocated my wroist and it flapped on my arm.  I cried and went to my mother for help whp tured around I told me it served my right that I got hurt.  I jumped up and down that day until I wet myself.  My mum partner returned home and took me to the A&E. I remember our asian neghboour very well who me and my sister use to call a paki.  She always use to call the police and they would turn up hours after and go throughthe same old routine.  Making us get in more trouble.  I hated that lady so much she was an interfering  cow back then. We had a cat it got run over I was happy to see it lying in the street. I never understood why my mother loved that cat more than she did us children.  I remember my mother had a few broken bones and cast here and there but I didn’t think anythink of it.     I was de-sensitized to violence and it was part of everyday life.  I remember watching chucky and thinking oh that was a good film.  I always remember being allowed to drink alcohol and the giggling my sister and I  would do.  Those were the happy times.  I also remember once building a snow man which was fun.I often felt like the head of the family collecting mother giro book from the post office and paying all the bills.  One day at this house I was washing up and I didn’t want to, I was tired of feeling like a cleaner. I made a plan to get out of washing up.  I broke a glass and cut my hand to avoid having to do it. I broke a glass and carefully cut several lines on the back of my hand.  It was bleeding and liked the look of the blood as it dropped into the water. It kind or reminded me of my sister back in the bath once we had been beaten but it felt cold strange. I watched it drip for little while before I held my breath and told my mother that I had accidently broken and glass and cut my had.  I was sure I was going to get in trouble but she just said go upstairs and gets your sister to wash up.  I was ecstatic frilled but I dared not show it.  That was a victorious day when I felt I had won the battle.  I still have scares on my hand which remind me of my triumph. And to this day I still smile remembering how happy I was that moment. My mother poked me in the eye and stated I hope I blind you on day.  We were in Edmonton green waiting for the bus to take us home.  I asked for 50p for a packet of crisp and decided to buy a chocolate instead.  When I returned to the bus stop my mother was furious. I didn’t see her hand approach my face put instantly I felt the sharp pain in my eye as I heard her shout I hope I blind you.  This was one of those day I couldn’t  hold back the tires.  I couldn’t see and truly believed I was blind.  My mother continued to tell me to should up.  I wiped and wiped my eye but I could see my eye was filled with blood and I was filled with fear how I would live with no sight.  Someone said something to my mother another passenger and I remember her tell them to mind their own business very loudly.  This was one of those day that no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t  fight the tiers.  My chest moved up and down so vigorously and I could only see blerred through one eye and the 10 minutes walk to our house was the hardest walk of my life.  All the threats and abuse that was shouted at me didn’t matter because in that moment I was sure I was dying.  I wanted to die and I was sure the pain in my eye and chest were slowly killing me. I’m sure I said the lord’s prayer in my head like I often did when I was convinced it was the end.  I don’t remember getting home other than that long walk in pain all other memories are lost.  I have a permanent blood shot in my eye which has served as a reminder what it was like to be me growing up. It is mostly young children who comment on my women made eyeball beauty spot now-a-days.   ‘If had 1p for every time I heard if you don’t listen you will feel’ I would be a millionaire. That was normal accompanied by a slap across the face or the ‘wait till I get home’ and that stare which hurt ever part of me being.  I hated waiting a few hour whilst we were at church or shopping to receive my punishment.  Half the time I didn’t understand what I had done but I knew I would always get a full explanation with every hit that was going to come way.   From accepting sweets or food from people who went to our church to saying something out of turn.  The classic situation would be someone asking me or my sister a question like and we don’t respond with the answer my mother has hoped.  I always looked at her before answering but sometimes it was impossible to tell what I should say.    But after I had answered I would look at her and there was only ever two different types of look i would receive back.  I tried desperately hard to please my mother I didn’t want to mingle with other children or adults for fear or repercussion.  Plus I was a happy little girl when I was left in my own world to day dream the places I would go, it would be much more satisfying then the real world.  I loved being alone and I always had it in my head that I was invincible.    At primary school there was a weeklong trip in year 6,  I had made another plan.  I knew Wales had lot of hills and mountain as I had been taught.  I was going to commit suicide on the school trip. Accidental fall of he top of the mountain.  We went hiking as all the other children had done before, to the top of sugar loaf mountain.  I climbed with a purpose  I don’t remember talking or seeing anyone there.  As we got to the top we sat and had lunch and I sat with me back towards the group thinking maybe this is heaven.  I was in my own world and I felt at peace.I could not  find an edge to fall off and I was so disappointed that when you fall over you can just get back up, I sank deep into my shell died inside.     We moved to Wood Green the house I remember the most.  I feel that house holds the secrets of most of my childhood.  A four bedroom house and for the first time I was to have my own room.  We started attending a new church and quickly became the good Christian girl I had been taught to be. I got baptised I loved the church. I sang on the youth choir and enjoyed it.  I use to go to kings cross and give out leaflets to convince people to believe in god, I was the only child with the adult but I’ve always had a strong desire to stand up for what I believed in.  And apart from church I wasn’t really allowed anywhere else.  I use to have to follow my sister where ever she went to keep an eye on her but that was no fun. The the man who stole my virginity  I was abused around the age of 11 or 12.  This man was seen as a fine upstanding member of the church. At this age in my life I didn’t know much about sex. I know what sex was but no one had sat me down and told me about the type of thing that happened to me.  This man was a close friend of the family and my mother trusted him.  He was married man with two small children. A man  I was to call uncle. One night my mother had gone out and he looked after me and my young brothers.  When my brothers went to bed he started to talk to me about how because I didn’t have my father around he was going to show me things a father would.  He told me he had done it many times before and he had loads of daughters.  Then he asked me to sit on his lap. I sat side wards and he asked me to sit forward with my legs apart infront of him.  I respected this man so I obeyed his orders.  He began to tell me about boys. He started puttinghis tounge down my throat . no one had ever done that before and rember clearly the way his touge felt bumpy and rough it was a horrible feeling. He started telling me he was going to show me something and i should not worry.  He put his hands down my shorts and i begain to feel uncomfortable.  I had a leotard on and he asked me questions about it and told me that leotards were good protection.  He told me his wife wear them.  He undid the leotard while talking to me. He made his way into my knicker whilst kissing me.  I drew back and he stopped kissing mehe reassured me that he was teaching me something.  I did’nt like him kissing me my eyes were open and his were closed his toumgue moved around my mouthwhile I froze.A little while after he explained that he was going to put his hand down my privates and how it was not going to hurt. He told me to ease up and I did. He told me that if I did want to kiss him i didnthave to. His hand was cold and big he kept talking to me as he slowly pushed his fingers up my privates. I didn’t like it it made me feel funny.  When his fingers reached the top he stopped, he asked me ifit hurt and told me he could tell i was a virgin.  I said yes to his question put he kept pushing his finger up.  His lip began to suck on my lip and his tongue begain to suck my tongue.  The pain of him pushing was hurting more and more.  I didn’t want to be rude but I felt I could cry.  I moved back but he kept sucking my lip harder.  I said stop your hurting me referring toboth his hand and mouth.  He then eased up and stopped pushing his finger so hard and sucking my lip so hard.  I felt a pain there and although he had stopped pushing his finger so hard I could still feel it.  It was the type of pain you feel when someone punches you and the whole area hurts.  I tried to act brave and not cry the pain echoed through my belly.  I asked him to stop agin he was hurting me. He became gentler but the pain was still there.  He moved his fingers slowly up and down my private whilst kissing me.  I felt uncomfortable and sore but I didn’t complain.   His hand got faster and more rough and his tounge begain to pull me in like a vacuum.  I sat and endured the pain until i couldn’t take no more tell i complain and told him down there was hurting.  He responded to me once again by become more gentle.  After a while he stopped and started to talk to me.  He removed his hand and wiped it.  He was talking to me about pennies and he asked me if i had ever seen one i said yes. He told me never to sit on a boys lapthe way i sat on his.  He pressed my privates through my short and told me it was an easy entrance.  He talked to me about sex and how it was wrong and other stuff around the same subject.  Afterwards he told me to get up he was going to show me something. It was then that realized how big he was compared to me.  He was talking to me and telling me not to be afraid as he removed some of my clothes uncovering my breast. He began to suck my nipple and to told me it was nice and imagen what it would be like to suck it all.  After he had finish talking to me i went to bed, i felt confused and i was hurting down there.  I was glad I didn’t have a dad because i didn’t like ge things that dads do. I lay awake that night and when my mum came in I pretended to be asleep.  That night and many to follow all i could think about is what happened to me.  I didn’t know what you call happen to me all i knew it was a lesson from my uncle.  A few days later the pain i felt down there went but ever time i think about what happened i feel that pain again.     Secret House (the rape I didn’t feel) I was in park on day as I often spent my free time in when it was cold and most children weren’t there.  I use to sit at the top of a tree house out view from most people and just dream.  I loved it there and not often was I disturbed.  It was a small park four roads away from where I lived and that was me secret hiding place from the world.I slim black guy had become very friendly with me over the month we lived in that house. At first I never use to talk to him he would smile at me or say hello and I would avoid him as I did any other stranger.  Then one day he poked his house around the corner of my hiding place.  He would try to give me sweet and I wouldn’t take them but he would leave it on the floor and walk away. When I was sure he was sure he was gone I would eat them. I soon started speaking a tiny little bit with him and one day he bought me chip from the chip shop and I was so happy.  He never stayed long but I looked forward to our brief encounter.  One day he poked his head around the corner of my secret house and asked me if I wanted to play a game. I said yes he told me to follow him on the other side of the road he had a present for me. He lived one road away from the park 3 roads away from my house.  He went inside a house very similar to mine and I crossed the road and followed him in. Inside the house was separated into flats and went through another door. I stood in the middle of a room with a double bed dressing table lots of aftershave and belts and stuff around.  There were no seats.  Hesaid I got a surprise for you and picked upa lovely looking bag.  I could feel the excitement racing through my mind as I woundered what was inside.  He handed me the bag an I tried to contain the excitement.  The bag was buatiful unlike anothing I had seen before. It wasn’t made of plastic it was made from carboard and shinny. I took the bag and looked inside but the contains was covered with tissue paper.  I was confused so I just sood still he emcouraged me to look inside. I placed one hand in but I couldn’t finad anything.  Suddenly I felt a small piece of fabric which i could quite make out. I put it back in the bag unsure Of what it was.  He asked if I liked it I smiled and said yes not to be rude.  He told me to try it on, my head began to spin because I didn’t know where to put t and I felt stupid.  I reached slower into the bag and felt around to see if there was any thing else in there.  I was so small so stringly I besided it must be a glove. I but it on my hand as best I could and held my hand up.  It was a pair of tongs ……I remember he placing me on his be naked. As he entered my body I felt the weight of his body squash mine.  I lye perfectly still as he rocked himself on top of me.  I felt like I left my body and I was a on the ceiling looking down.  I could see the blank stare on my face as my body was motionless.  I don’t remember getting dress or placing the tong in my pocket.  All i remember is the way he held me tight in two hand bent down and said don’t you ever come here again in an agry perofying voice.  I was unsure what I had done wrong but I knew how easy it was for me to upset people without knowing why.  I walked the short distance home woundering if I was going to be in trouble when I got home.  I tough me mother knew every thing I did and I was sure I was going to be punished for sone reason or another. Maybe I was late home I walked fast unable to grasp the time scale.  I was scared and I hated that feel so scared I was crippled in my mind thinking what she would do to me.  It was that fear that kept my quite and made me behave al the time.I didn’t get in trouble that night so I said a quick prayer to god and said thank you. My knickers were fully of blood and I tried hard to wash them I was thinking I must be a really dirty/unclean little girl.  I tried hard to scrub them clean praying that I could get them clean but nothing worked.  I knew my mother would be angry if she thought I had dirtied my white cotton knickers I hid them behind the heater and squashed them into a ball hoping they would not be found. I never did see that guy again. But I hoped I would because he was one of the closes things I had as a friend.     Starting secondary school was awkward all these children I didn’t know.  I soon made sure everyone knew I was not going to bullied.  I wanted to be a lawyer and I was always going to stand up for myself.  I wasn’t scared of anyone and more over confidence spoke volumes.  Once I bust into the principal’s office and told her about my feeling of grave injustice at been spoken to horrible by a teacher.  When refused to take mt complaint serious I inford her that I would write to the school governs and the local paper.  I soon got he public apology I wanted. I was felt smart but my grades were below average in mot subject apart from maths.  I had excellent verbal communication skill but struggled with any form of written work.  I gave the teaching staff hell after all my mother did care what I got up to so I was about to be controlled by any outside authority figure.I challenged the teachers every opportunity I got.I made few friends and played football on a five a-side football team.I was being my usual disruptive self when a teacher told me it doesn’t matter if I don’t learn a thing in school because she is still going to get paid at the end of the month.  My attitude changed slowly after that day and I begain to relize my acting out in class was going to cost me my education.  I knew it was the only place I could tell an adult or child to shut up walk away from someone who was talking to me.  But slowly I learnt to behave better.My friendship grow grow stronger with one girl and she was smart and everything I wasn’t.  Everyone liked her just the way she was.  Our friendship bloomed and her mother welcomed me into their family.  When ever I ran away from home I knew I could always sleep there.  Most people did like me because of my poor attitude and bad behaviour but not this girl she saw me for who I was.  She was my first real friend who did find me awkward stupid or annoying.  And she didn’t have violent or unkind bone in her body.  We set our dreams together and worked towards our goal we were going to university she was going to be a doctor and I was going to be a lawyer.  We had lots of great time together and for the first time in my life I felt like a child.  And the best thing was my mum liked her, normally my mother didn’t like I want me having friends but she like this one and was allowed to come around my house and I hers.  Her family was very different to mine, I considered them very poor living on a council estate sharing a room with her teenage brother.  But that did not matter because in their house I was welcomed and treated with nothing but kindness.  Many nights I gave up my lush double bed and beautiful bedroom to share a single bed with my friend in hers and her brother’s room.  As far as I was concented she was the luckist child in the world and I was happy that I could have a small part of it.But her and her brother did see it like that, and I never understood why.  She is still my best friend today and I’m so proud of her for fulfilling her dreams and becoming a doctor. We are like blood sister and closer. I started expressing myself through poetry and quickly found it safe outlet for all me codied up emotions. At 15 I was given permission to go away for a weekend with a school friend and her family for a party weekend trip.  I fell in love with a guy aged 21 I told him I was 18 years old. We danced and talked the whole weekend.  When we got the couch back home we spoke every night on the phone for hours and hours. I eventual told him my age. I liked him and loved the ground he walked on.  I would take a two hour bus ride to go and see him.  He didn’t really treat me like a girlfriend in public but in private he did.  At the time I knew he was right for me treated me nicely and gave me love and affection.  At the time I believed I was a virgin as the previous sexual abuse had vanished from my mind.  We had sex when I was 16 and remember him him slow and gentle with me.  Once he had fully enteted me he looked deep into my eyes and said I you sure you’re a virgin and with a clear and honest heart I said yes.  He asked me several time am i hurting you and I said no, he appeared shocked but I have always none I am very strong. I enjoyed what we had and years to come he was the only man in my life.  I had introduced him to mother and had me to his family.  He had a 6 month old baby from a previous relationship who I saw rarely. I had my fist Job when i was 15 my mum asked me if I wanted to work and I jumped at the opportunity.  My best friend already had a secret job and I wanted money too. I asked if my best friend come come and she said yes.  We worked in a factor in Enfield folding clothes a packing them into see through sleeves.  I enjoyed it but my back hurt from spnding long hours standing.  And I forgot to write my name on some of the boxs which meant i didn’t get paid for them. I starting havint to contribute towards rent and stuff but as long as I had £5 left for myself I was happy.  The other women and the factor where funny and happy too.At 16 I went to work for M&S 3 days a week and with that 346 pounds a month I was rich.  Of cause my mother demanded more of my money but I loved it there.  Working with girl my own age meeting lot of people I felt like I worked for the queen and I was in her presitgous company.  I felt that I belonged there and working always felt grate.  For as long as I could remember it was my goal to move out and now this job was going to give me the finance to out of that house. One day when I should have been a school I went for a interview with dominos pizza and got the Job.  I was 16 and I managed two jobs and studied for my GCSE and a-levels. I got a car when I was 17 and paid for the entire lessons and test myself.  This car helped me escape my hell hole I called home. I searched for a year and half and approached lots of charities before I came across a room I could rent for £285 a month.  I was 17 years old when I moved out and this is where my life began. For the first time in my life I was allow to eat sleep and do whatever I wanted.  I didn’t care that my mother had kept all my belonging and I only hand the clothes I was wearing I was free and that meant more to me than anything else in the world.I left my brothers behind and that hurt my mother told me you will never see them again.  I loved those boys more than I loved myself but at the moment in time I could only think of my freedom.  I knew there weren’t treated half as badly as me and my sister were.  And I told myself as soon as I would get settled I would return for them. I never did and never could. Life went on and it was struggle to go college and look after myself properly.  I managed I lived on tea and biscuits and sometime I stole food from my local asdas when I had to.  Mostly 9p noodles and stuff but I survived.I failed that year of college and had to start again.  I blamed myself for not working hard enough.  But I return the next year to a different college to start me a-level again. One of the charities I had approached years earlier offered me an interview and a place in a hostel in east London.  I took it a moved out of the only area I knew.  I got a two new Job and life continued to move.  One Christmas I turned up at my mothers house with presents for my brothers and she opened and slammed the door in my face.  I had no convince myself that family meant nothing to me a continue this journey alone. How I hoped my boys were ok I just wanted to see them. I throw the presents in the bin and got on with my life    

• I have recurring nightmares.  Most incomplete incident i know nothing about.
• I have difficulties  with trust and intimacy in relationship
• Diffulties trusting all men in general
• I have a phobia of Mice
• I actively seek men who are
• I find it hard to except love and warmth from anyone