4 days and Counting!!

4 days and counting.

I can’t believe my holiday is coming to abrupt end very soon. If I am honest with myself I am not ready to return home after four weeks away I should be but I’m not. I have found a peace and quite here in Malta away from the hustle and bustle of London life.

I know all good things must come to an end but there’s nothing wrong with wishing and hoping time would slow down. I wish I was a packpacker traveling the world experiencing the freedom of the single life.

Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and children but sometimes I wish I could just smell the grass on the other side of life.

My girls are aged 1 and 2 years and most days I admire them but sometimes I wonder what I was thinking having them so close in age. They both require my undivided attention at times which is a challenge in itself. Add my over excited playful chatty 11 year old son to mix and I am easily overwhelmed. Mum, mum , mum he always wants to show me something or tell me something whilst I’ve got my hands knee deep in poo and I’ve just notice my toddle is very quite in that corner.

It’s hard balancing three children. I tend to send the 11 year old to go a skip jump and climb somewhere else whilst I sort out the small ones.

But this holiday I’ve been making an active effort to bond more with my son as I can see where he has less of my time. Quite frankly by time the little two have gone to bed my energy tank is in the minuses and I’m a walking zombie trying to put the house back together before I retire for the night.

I have nothing to give no one I just about manage to brush my teeth with my eyes close and that’s a good day.

Since I’ve been away by myself with the three children I have been able to enjoy my evenings a bit more. I have been able to paint and spend time with my son which is nice.

I still find him very demanding he always wants kisses and hugs but I am trying to find a happy medium. I think the four weeks away has done our relationship some good. We have managed to talk more and the natural increase in quality time has helped.

I hope we can continue en route when we return. The day before we left I de-registered him from secondary school it has been a long time coming.

Now I’m thinking about the return home.

My husband is a loving caring husband and father.

Why don’t I want to go home ???

I’m not 100% sure but mostly because I feel like there’s no peace at home. Which is strange because we create our environments right.?

Even when I go to gym every morning at 6am and I run around like a headless chicken somewhat enjoying myself but most keeping the girls busy until 6:30 bedtime.

I try to leave out as early as I can and get back as late as possible why.

Because I’m a doer and I’m never happier then when I’m doing something. Even if that mean wearing three different hats whilst carrying on baby on hip and one on my neck.

Recently my husband been home 6 out of 7 days and the normally quite house I like to keep in order has been too noise and active for me. I hide away in my bedroom every opportunity I get.

There’s 6 of us in 2 bedroom house. Two adults and four children. Suddenly I’m realising it’s not comfortable anymore less then 3 years ago we were a family of 3 now it’s spiral out of control.

My step son lives with us who’s 14 and as I have nothing positive to say about him I’m saying nothing for now.

If I’m honest with myself his the reason I have no desire to return home.

I don’t think I’m ready to capture these emotions on paper it far to raw to explain.

So for now I will continue to skate around the truth.