Today I am extra thankful that I am here and all my children are healthy. It took one text to remind me that tomorrow’s not guaranteed. She’s gone and less then two weeks ago she left a voicemail on my phone. I never did call her back and that’s something I will have to live with.
You never truly know how someone is on the inside unless your very close to them. Liver cancer took her away and I didn’t even know she was going.
Death has this strange effect, for a moment it seems like the earth stop spinning and all of a sudden it starts reversing.
I am forced to look at my own life and my family my sibling, my children , my husband, my mother. What if my number was called and I left this world today.
Who would hold my baby and rub her soft leg and tickle her. Who would blow bubbles on her belly and tell her she is a child of the king.
She would never know or remember how much her mother loved and cared for her. She would never know how much I prayed for her and desperately wanted her.
All the time, I moan how difficult life can be with 2 under 3’s I’m reminded, I am truly blessed to have this opportunity to see these lovely children of mine grow and shine.
I want to remind myself that tomorrow’s not guaranteed and I want to be here for my children for a long long long time. Somewhere pass forever. I want my children to be around forever too.. I’ve seen first hand when children leave us and can’t even begin to process how life keeps moving.
Today is a personal note to myself life is too short and unpredictable to be unhappy and moaning about insignificant things. The dishes, the laundry, the noise ,the exploding poo that coved me on Friday, the tantrums , the wee these boys leave all of the toilet seat that gets me angry. Ok I don’t have time to list them all but I’m going to have to throw those things in the “stuff happens box” oh gosh I feel like I need to quickly moan about Friday first.
Other then the romford poo-numy that I had all over me and the baby with no change of clothes. I lost Jenelle in a shop, she never normal runs away, never !!! ( I started to take it for granted that she’s such a scared cat she stick to me like glue) Trust me to only have the single buggy.
I guess she like fashion and clothes to much to worry about being lost.
The baby starts screaming so I stop what I’m doing to pick her up from the buggy. Moment later I look around Jenelle is nowhere.. I start shouting for her. I leave the baby and buggy with my friend as I start searching for her.
I run to the back of the shop calling her … then I hear her tiny response I’m changing. She’s in the fitting room. I’m not even sure which one all three are occupied. She pulls back the curtain with an adult sparkly dress in here hand coat on the floor “ mummy I’m changing”
I can’t help but smile instantly .. she is very funny with her size 16 party dress in her hand. I never take her shopping I reminded I have a little girly girl.
Before I can truly enjoy the moment I hear my friend screaming my name… she’s frantic all I can make out is jade … baby. I grab Jenelle and run back. The baby is on the floor she has fallen out of her buggy and my friend is screaming in shock and the baby is crying and a circle of onlookers has gathered.
I take my baby and comfort her as I try a move away from all the people and noise… Avoiding my friend repeatedly asking me why didn’t you strap her in??.
Another day in my life. I’m grateful both my girls are fine. The funny thing is I never go clothes shopping I hate it. But thanks to Jenay exploding poo trick an emergency trip to Next was needed.
Well I did have a lovely lunch afterwards when we final made it back to Barking.
And that’s the day she passed away.. I properly sent a good hour or so feeling sorry for myself and regretting not bringing the double buggy, blaming myself, struggling when life is too short.
I think I will remember this weekend for a long time. Because I’m grateful I have my family and friend and children that make my struggle and laugh. I am very grateful.
Diary of a Mad Black Woman 