Today my mind is on Phonics, I want to restart my class but I’m worried no one will show up.

feel the fear and do it anyway right

I’ve had such a long break I don’t know weather I’m coming or going.

It’s Ramadan and I am unsure weather a 10 clock start will work for most.

It works for me. But do I need to be more flexible to accommodate my clients. Either way it’s an opportunity to learn what works best.

I want to keep the class at 10 because I have other commitment and I dont want to loss more hours in the day. I’m up from 4am and the later the class the less energy I have. Plus I have to think about managing my children, my husband, and Jayden. It also my husband time too as his left holding the baby instead of working.

It’s the time I invest which causes the greatest difficult. I am almost starting to feel resentfull. I really don’t enjoy the business part of the session advertising, organising, sorting out insurance, communicating with venue, sorting out the costing, buying resources.

I only really enjoy teaching the session and coming up with different games and activities to capture the children attention. Thats what I enjoy and love doing but everything else is annoying and a time consuming but equally important task.

I don’t want to spend another few hours modifying a flyer.

I don’t want to spend a second wasting my time printing advertising and promoting the session.

And I don’t want to spend time looking for insurance.

Debating price structure is not something I enjoy.

I want to spend my time doing what I love and enjoy. Educating my children and having fun.

I also feel crippled by not knowing what to do. Do I raise the prices and make the class more sustainable or do I keep running at a loss.

I want to be able to invest more into classes, but I am also thinking it will never be a business if I keep pouring my funds into it and I’m not able to get any of my finances back.

I think I’m struggling in the managing the finance. Or running it smoothly.

I want to run the classes with love and compassion. My main aim is to teach and inspire my little learner and their parents but at what cost.

How long am I going to run at a loss. Now I’m almost thinking I started this class because I wanted to teach Jenelle Phonic with her friends.

Nothing changed

U must keep this goal in mind

Decision decision

Hmm..

Decision decision

1. Cost

I want to keep the cost affordable to the parents who need it most. But I also want to be able to buy the resource and cover the running fees for the class.

£4 per classes if booked termly or £5 one off. (Blocks of 6)

First trail session is £2.

2. Time

10-10:45

3. Venue

BFC for now as I am able to keep my resource there and it works for me with location being so close to home with childcare.

4.Structure

Start again or continue where I am. I’m continuing where I am. I’m going to devote more time to recap so learner can join in.

5.Start Date

Hmm

6.Booking

booking at the start

7.Registion form

Paper work paper work. Ideally I would like to have an information pack for new parent. Registration form, term and condition ( your child your responsibility ) and welcome letter telling the parents a little bit about me and phonics.

Heading home after a good work out . I completed five whole days. Roll on super natural weight loss.

5.35 am I need to get up soon to go gym. I’m still not enjoying the morning routine of exercising but I’m doing it. Looking forward to tomorrow so I can complete the week.

I’ve lost count of what day it is but it is what it is.

Just keep stepping forward.

Only 13 hours after deciding not to be sick I end up in A&E with both girls.

This must be some kind of test to see how strong my faith really is. Today got off to a good start but the cheerful mode soon changed when Jenelle woke up screaming. She cried for one hour my husband said and by the look on his face, I could tell he was stressed.

I picked her up and she was boiling hot, happy to be in my arms and calmed down instantly. She refuses to let me put her down so I held her close to me whilst I ate lunch.

I thought I better take her to the doctors since I had already found out I had a bacterial infection in my lungs since returning from holiday. The doc did say I should get the children checked if I was considered.

Two hours later we are seen by the walk-in clinic. She takes her temperature and goes into the panic mode it’s 40.6. She starts raising her voice why haven’t you given her carpal. She needs it straight away. She checks her ears and throat and gets on the phone to call reception to call an ambulance.

I don’t what they say on the other end of the phone but she tells us the wait time is 2-6 hours and we should make our own way there immediately.

She almost annoyed that we are not moving as fast As she is and we don’t seem to share her concerns. She actually swears in her frustration at the long wait time.

I wonder if she’s a rookie ( junior Doctor). Because I feel like I need to have a supervision session with her on professional manners.

Anyway, at one point we did start to get into a heated debate until I caught myself and decided it’s not worth my time.

She checked the baby quickly and said the babies fine but she extremely concerned about Jenelle she has an ear infection but she also suspects something else.

20 minutes later we are in our uber moment away from the hospital and the baby starts projectile vomiting all over the car and my husband.

The driver stops immediately he ask my husband to get out. We try our best to clean up the car the baby my husband and our stuff. I jump out and help with the clean up mission my husband is covered in it.

Then I hear the driver scream something and I realise Jenelle is also about to be sick. Sitting alone in the back of the car.

I take her out and join the vomit party. The smell is horrendous that properly why we were both sick.

It feels like something out of a comedy sketch. But I felt more like crying than laughing. Seeing and smell the vomit all of my Husband was sickening literally.

He’s so good I would I have turned around and went home in another cab he said he will stay and clean himself up at the hospital.

His amazing don’t want to leave me with two young children,

Now we are home antibiotics and few more projectiles and we are tucked up in bed.

What an evening.

Today I’m refusing to be sick. I don’t care what the doctor says I am fit and well. My body maybe fighting an infection but I refuse to be sick.

Life is to important to waste feeling sorry for myself. So today I choose to get up dust myself off and move on.

So it might be a little bit slower then normal but that’s ok. I will be extra kind to myself but, I refuse to sit still and be sick. It’s not in my personality of belief system to be sick. I Dont believe God gave me this body to lay down and wollow in my own self-pity.

So today I bounce back and live the life I choose to live.

My children and my callings are way too important to mope around.

I have Phonic, cooking, painting, housework, garden, finance, home ed, business stuff and admin to take care of. Not to mention my family and self care.

”By his stripes I am healed” that’s what the Bible says and that’s what I believe, God has my health covered.

I’m going to take my antibiotics not to sure about the pump and keep it moving. I really have to listen to my body and I know that it will heal with love and patients.

The next time someone asks me how I am I’m doing my response is ”fantastic ”.

Today is going to be a productive healthy day.

I think I will take Jayden to breakfast find somewhere quite to beat him at chess a few times. Bonding and chocolate crepe that’s bound to put a smile on his face. If I can find oatmeal porridge and herbal tea I will be smiling too.

It is 6.07 am and I’m on the way to the gym. It’s raining and I can think of a million other things I can be doing right now instead of sitting on the bus going to the gym.

Day 2 and I’m just happy I made it out the house. Yesterday motivation to get FIT seems a million miles away but I’m going to keep showing up regardless. G

Today I have to return to exercise after being away for 6 weeks and eating what I want.

Today I’m forcing myself to go gym regardless of how I feel.

In fact, I’m not listening to how I feel. I’m doing what I need and I’m going to keep doing it until the little voice in my head gets on board.

It my time of the month I have a headache and I’m feeling run down but I’m going make the decision it’s time.

It time to stop making excuses and start acting.

This man motivates me.

Day 1

Something has shifted inside of me.

I am starting to take ownership of my destiny.

For the last the 2 years I think I have been running a rat race in survival mode.

Family life has been at the forefront of everything. I nearly lost it all and we barely made it through our trials but I think we are stronger and have grown.

I was listening to a podcast by Patrice Washington interviewing Monica Coleman and I loved how she defined “Devine dissatisfaction”

Allowing yourself, to be honest, and admit when we are not happy with something.

It is linked to gratitude because I think sometimes gratitude can mask disappointment.

I’m going to keep listening to Patrice’s podcast it is perfect for me. Her message is chase purpose not money at that exactly where I am with my life. I desperately what to fulfil my life’s purpose but I’m held back by fear and a suitcase doubt.

Looks like I have lots of personal development to continually work on. But I need to grow as an individual.

Today I’m grateful for a loving caring understanding husband. It’s easy to take him for granted and forget how amazing he is.

He cut the grass and cleaned up the garden after a massive pile-up of unkept rubbish has built up over the year or so.

He is amazing at finding out what makes me happy and getting on with it. I told him how much I miss my once beautiful, garden and since having two babies back to back the best garden on my road is now the worse.

I use to look out my window with pride and admiration but that all changed overnight with a newborn.

Gardening was one of my top hobbies and I find it relaxing and stimulating.

But when the rubbish started to pile and fences were blown down I stopped looking and caring. After all, I could avoid the garden altogether.

But in neglecting the garden I also neglected some of my happiness.

Going away reminded me of what’s important in life and the small things that make a big difference to me.

Having a tidy house and beautiful garden, exercising and spending quality time with my family. Are all the things I need.

Sometimes I get so carried away caring for my children and getting on with the day to day I forget to live life and enjoy myself where I am.

I think going away has helped me remember I need to be happy and content where I am and make the most of every situation.

I tend to wish the time away and look forward to the next season forgetting to enjoy where I am.

Looking forward to when that baby is walking. Can’t wait for when that one grows up and moves out. Anticipating and praying for the time I don’t accidentally sit on someone’s wee all over the toilet. That’s my pet hate I often scream at my children over. 11 and 14 years old and you still don’t know how to clean up after yourself. Me and my husband both count down the years to a child free house.

Then when we get to that stage we will properly start saying we can’t wait to be grandparents one day.

I don’t want to miss any chapters in our families journey because we were too busy holding our breath waiting.

Just as I need to keep on top of the garden and I need to keep on top of life.

Before …

4 days and counting.

I can’t believe my holiday is coming to abrupt end very soon. If I am honest with myself I am not ready to return home after four weeks away I should be but I’m not. I have found a peace and quite here in Malta away from the hustle and bustle of London life.

I know all good things must come to an end but there’s nothing wrong with wishing and hoping time would slow down. I wish I was a packpacker traveling the world experiencing the freedom of the single life.

Don’t get me wrong I love my husband and children but sometimes I wish I could just smell the grass on the other side of life.

My girls are aged 1 and 2 years and most days I admire them but sometimes I wonder what I was thinking having them so close in age. They both require my undivided attention at times which is a challenge in itself. Add my over excited playful chatty 11 year old son to mix and I am easily overwhelmed. Mum, mum , mum he always wants to show me something or tell me something whilst I’ve got my hands knee deep in poo and I’ve just notice my toddle is very quite in that corner.

It’s hard balancing three children. I tend to send the 11 year old to go a skip jump and climb somewhere else whilst I sort out the small ones.

But this holiday I’ve been making an active effort to bond more with my son as I can see where he has less of my time. Quite frankly by time the little two have gone to bed my energy tank is in the minuses and I’m a walking zombie trying to put the house back together before I retire for the night.

I have nothing to give no one I just about manage to brush my teeth with my eyes close and that’s a good day.

Since I’ve been away by myself with the three children I have been able to enjoy my evenings a bit more. I have been able to paint and spend time with my son which is nice.

I still find him very demanding he always wants kisses and hugs but I am trying to find a happy medium. I think the four weeks away has done our relationship some good. We have managed to talk more and the natural increase in quality time has helped.

I hope we can continue en route when we return. The day before we left I de-registered him from secondary school it has been a long time coming.

Now I’m thinking about the return home.

My husband is a loving caring husband and father.

Why don’t I want to go home ???

I’m not 100% sure but mostly because I feel like there’s no peace at home. Which is strange because we create our environments right.?

Even when I go to gym every morning at 6am and I run around like a headless chicken somewhat enjoying myself but most keeping the girls busy until 6:30 bedtime.

I try to leave out as early as I can and get back as late as possible why.

Because I’m a doer and I’m never happier then when I’m doing something. Even if that mean wearing three different hats whilst carrying on baby on hip and one on my neck.

Recently my husband been home 6 out of 7 days and the normally quite house I like to keep in order has been too noise and active for me. I hide away in my bedroom every opportunity I get.

There’s 6 of us in 2 bedroom house. Two adults and four children. Suddenly I’m realising it’s not comfortable anymore less then 3 years ago we were a family of 3 now it’s spiral out of control.

My step son lives with us who’s 14 and as I have nothing positive to say about him I’m saying nothing for now.

If I’m honest with myself his the reason I have no desire to return home.

I don’t think I’m ready to capture these emotions on paper it far to raw to explain.

So for now I will continue to skate around the truth.